ermm...

What am I thinking now?
Isn't that I had already get rid of him?
Why my mind is getting more messy now?
He supposed to leave soon and why still putting hope on him?
He is a good guy but I don't think he would accept me.
oh...
but really hope to know what he is thinking about...
today,
I purposely ignored him when he was trying to talk to me
about something
& I tried my best to control my emotion
however,
after that he just ignored me
like what I did to him
we are best friend once before,
sharing our thoughts,
sorrows and joys...
is impossible he would accept me
but i do always hope that our relationship can maintain
till that day my feeling towards him fades
cause
he is a good guy

yoga? dance?

A year ago, I never headache about this issue.
I loves yoga and yet having great passion in dancing.
I managed to cope with them very well and from that time I wish I could turn both my passion into my profession in soon coming future.
One of my future plan.
I am having plenty of time thinking about it and finally today I had took my first step to approach it.
I went to somewhere to ask about the teacher training course of yoga and dancing with my best friend.
That is part of our dream. I am actually so thankful as I have such friend.
Both teacher training courses need great passion and efforts.
I've observed both requirements and found out that I still have big gap to reach it. If I really want to have it, I have to dedicate most of my time and effort to learn and master what I've learned.
That's one thing I worry about.
It actually not because of I got no time or I am not willing to put in effort, but the thing is I scared.
After experienced a quite heavy downpour in my life, I found that I've totally lost my courage.
I lost all my confidence towards myself, people around me, and all the thing that I am doing or want to achieve. Lost. Just this word to describe me.
Where am I?
Only me can find the way out.

NOBODY can help me here now.

Sad and disappointed.
I am just giving more excuses to run out from the reality, living in own world of hallucination which till now I still not wish to wake up.

Should I proceed?
Or just give up?

but I really wish I could go on.
The flame of passion of mine in dancing seems fading now.
Once before it lit brightly and made my mind clear about my way.
Perhaps I should go for yoga first.
Yoga will never be my interest or passion but it already become part of my life.
It guides me, accompany me, makes me feel free, release my true feeling, and also healed me once before.
I am now very clear that once I get started, I can't quit anymore. I have to proceed and cannot give myself any excuses.
The only thing that I worry about is that am I finding the right channel? I am now still working hard on it.

attitude...

I've got my last term result this morning and felt really upset of it.
I thought I can managed to do well in those subjects but the truth is just that I can only pass them. Friends around are just telling me that I should be thankful cause I've pass the exam. Is it my attitude be the main problem causing me failed to achieve what I want? Suddenly I realized that my egoism really retard me from being achieve more and what I truly want.
At the same time, the words that always come out from dad appear again.
" As an individual living in this world, we should always be humble."
I think this is the way he is using until now and really make him benefits from it.
Start from now, I should be more humble and sincere in my way of life.
Treat other better then you will be treated better as well.
I want myself to believe it although I am very clear that the possibilities of it is really small.

Then, second thing, I did not even put in much efforts in study, how can I expect good result? When comes to this issue, attitude problems again... How could I expect I could score well by those kind of attitude towards study? Lame... I could never believe I did so. I heard before that when you put in hundred percent effort, you can actually gain back not as much as you have put in. Wow, if I want to get hundred percent success, then I have to put hundred and fifty percent or more in order to get it? Yeah.... I should not blamed others for my failure. Never let your laziness control you, overcome it.You are having great space to improve. Remember to work very hard. Prove to the other that you deserve better...
Last but not least, CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE!!!

20.08.2008

A special day that can only can meet once in the life. Just a coincidence. When I heard it from fm I found it is interesting and just want to jot it down. I went to my previous teacher's house for a special purpose and then had a chat with her. Time passes so fast and I am not really realized that. Ten years. Ten years before I was taught by the teacher and she did encouraged me a lot and yet inspired me to become who I am today. She is the only teacher I still stay connected with. She is great. I hope her will always stay happy and healthy.

Chat with my third sis, Egyne just now on the way to fetch the three kids back from tuition. About my future planning. Is a complicated issue again but after the chat, I've made up my mind and look clearly into my aim and try my best to strive for it. She is five years younger than me but her encouragements do works on me. She let me know that I posses great dream and I should work hard to achieve it. I shouldn't run anymore. Failures not mean to let me escape from the reality. I should be stronger and never avoid the responsibilities that I should carry. Thanks to her, made me know deeply about my self.

stage~

I do believe everyone would have different characteristic on their own life stage. It's only depends on the person whether to show it well or let it be. Everyone that besides you is just a person who does act a part in your life. Everybody shall be the main character in own's life no matter what kind of characteristic that you posses. A flower-an attracting one, a dog-a faithful one towards its owner, a star-a bright shimmering star... I used to be a mute, an aimless girl in my early stage of life who was having simple thoughts and lifestyle. I believed in fate which something that had been arranged by the god, I have no power to change it. However, my point of view change when I turn to the age of 18, I just checked what had I achieved for my previous life and what I found out was nothing. I was tried my best to think what should I do to have a better life in future. I start to learn more, learn whatever that I don't really know, learn more life skills and learn to be humble and to be more determined as these are the basic needs to learn and get more knowledge from people. Soon after I learn dancing, I really found out that each person is able to perform well on stage, even me- a person who has an extreme low self-esteem. Since that time, I swear to live my life better, do well in every single stage in my life and never let myself regret anymore. I am now still finding a suitable stage for me....

future planning? planning future...

When come to this issue, everybody would have different point of view. I have heard my friends about their future planning too. 25 get married, 28 first kid and 30 the second... 25 own the first car, 30 the first house, 40 have a stable family plus income, 50 travel around the world... Is it true that we can really achieve this as we planned? But it seems no effect on me. I've done once before but actually I'd failed for it. That time, I was think to become an outstanding choreographer and yet had thrown lots of efforts on it. However, what I really got for all my effort is just not as what I think. I have wasted most of my time on it but come to the end I realized that I actually learn nothing. I was so depressed and I know that I shouldn't waste anymore time on it. I deserved better. Thus I am now never plan for my future anymore. Scared I won get What I want. I just hope I can get much more that I want because I am a Greedy one. I want to travel around the world, to have more knowledges, having a good family and a life partner that really loves me, to be rich...... To much to achieve but I have never set up a date for it. I scared I cant really accept any failure, perhaps I should go for longer period...

passion?~

Everybody would have different passion in their life. No doubt, me too. A year ago, i discovered that i really have great passion in dancing. I can spend all my resting time just for it since i am a person that is really fully-schedule. I have to work, study, and yet have to help my parents. My friends always blaimed me for this because i can seldom meet them even our gathering is like once in a blue moon. This is my choice and I never feel that it will affects my life. My parents always scold me for being went home late in the mid night every time I got practices for performances or competition and yet force me to quit from the dance crew. At that moment, my passion made me overcome all the problems and convinced my parents to let me proceed with it. All people beside me could see the efforts that i put in and my enthusiasm towards dancing. Although my health have been affected due to sleep late everyday, but I never think of giving it up. Until I found that I was actually fool by them and yet can actually learn nothing more, then I made the toughest decision in my life. I HAVE TO GIVE UP, GIVE UP MY GREATEST PASSION! I really don't know whether in the future I can still proceed with it or not, but what I can do that time just let it be. By this, I can reduce all the pain and suffer that I gain though I really can make it better when I hold it tight that time. I really undergo the depression in my life after that. I had lost all the confidence towards myself and trust towards people around me. Luckily, somebody had pulled me out from my valley of depression. He told me that I can dance well, I can do better. Don't ever let my thinking drag my progression. I really feel thankful to him let me get rid of my unhappy experience. I think I could never give up dancing anymore, no matter how bad is the condition. I won let him disappointed anymore.